Columns

SELF-LOVE

I have clients who tell me that it's painful for them to walk down University in Hillcrest and see all those happy couples.  "It makes me feel so lonely and unwanted", they say.  When you're single, and people around you "appear" (and I use that word deliberately) to be much happier than you, so in love, arm-in-arm with their gorgeous partner, it's tough not to compare your lonesome solitary self and feel you're lacking.  Feeling alone and unloved is common to us all, coupled or not. If you live the Hallmark card life - you have a wonderful, perfect partner and the two of you regularly enjoy sunsets on the beach and great sex by the fireplace, followed by hours of hugging and kissing  - then this column is not for you.  For the rest of us, who live in a place called Reality, feeling alone and isolated is all-too-common.  The remedy?  Self-love.

Even if you're in a relatively happy couple, you know that most of your married life isn't like a Hallmark card.  But after seeing all those media images of happy, perfect couples, you may think there's something wrong with your relationship and wonder:  "Why are my partner and I living a life with romantic moments few and far between, not to mention the ongoing boredom of paying bills, buying dog food and just getting through the day without killing each other?  Where are all those sunsets and nights of passionate fireside sex?  What's wrong with us?"  If you're single, you may feel even worse, asking yourself:  "Why am I alone?  Am I a total loser, spending yet another Saturday night alone?  What's wrong with me?"   

The common theme here is, "What's wrong with me?"  The good news is:  there's nothing wrong with you.  The bad news is:  It's harder than hell to love yourself when your expectations are crazy-high.  How did our expectations get so unrealistic?  In some ways, it's all about selling things.  Businesses sell us things by creating idealized ideas of how life should be.  The end result of buying these media images hook-line-and-sinker is that we feel we're doing our relationships all wrong.  We need an antidote to this "poison" of media-induced craziness.  We need self-love. 

Want to improve your self-love?  Start by being aware of the things you say to yourself about love, romance and relationships.  Notice if you're critical or harsh to yourself.  Many of us have such tough inner critics that when we make a mistake in the relationship department, this inner voice beats up on us, saying things like, "You are so stupid" or "You're such a loser; who would want you?".  The next time you are disappointed in yourself, try a little cognitive therapy: replace your negative self-messages with neutral or positive ones, like, "I made a mistake. No big deal". Or "Yeah, I screwed up, but I won't make this mistake again."

For you lucky folks in contented relationships, ponder this question:  Should you love yourself more than your partner, your children  and/or your friends? Should you put your love for yourself before your love for them?  I believe that while love for others is extremely important, self-love must come first.  Are you cringing right now? Does this feel too "New Age-y" for you?   Self-love has become a cliché; yet so many of us in the LGBT community are Masters of People Pleasing:  we put the needs of others before our own.  This is the essence of co-dependency - pleasing others first, putting ourselves last. 

Self-love isn't narcissism.  Being in service and giving back to our community is important, but even hard core People Pleasers can see that when you love yourself, you can more easily give love to others.  Self-love is a powerful gift of kindness, compassion and appreciation that you give to yourself.  Even if you don't have a friend in the world right now, you can give yourself the gift of self-love and know that you deserve it. 

Ready to ratchet up your self-love?  Okay, try this exercise:  Get up off the sofa, put down the remote, and stand in front of a mirror.  Look yourself in the eyes.  Take three deep breaths.  Ask yourself (out loud): "What can I do for you today?" or "What do you need today?"  Don't be surprised if you start to cry.  Many of us aren't used to being in touch with what we need; it can be an emotional moment.  Now listen to the answers you get:  this is the real you speaking.  If you've been out of touch with yourself lately, your answers may surprise you.  You may expect to hear, "Go to the gym and don't eat all that junk food" but what you actually get is, "Be kind to me today, let's go to Balboa Park and walk around and then have a nice lunch and a glass of wine." 

Whether you're single or coupled, I invite you to experiment with increasing your self-love.  It's hard to love your partner if you hate yourself.  If you have a partner, by all means, shower him or her with affection...as long as you shower yourself with affection first.  You'll have more love to give your partner if you're already feeling it for yourself.  If you're single, resist the temptation to beat yourself up because you have no hot date for the weekend.  Instead, try the mirror exercise and see what your "inner" lover would like.  Whether you have a 25-year-relationship or you're new in town and know nobody, give yourself a healthy shot of Self-Love and see what happens.

HAPPINESS:  What is it and how to get more of it

Happiness:  what a topic!  Most of my clients want to be happier...they want more happiness and less suffering in their lives.  Who doesn't?  But, what is happiness?  We all know it when we feel it, or do we?  Is it feeling good, joyful, optimistic, healthy, alive?  Or is it a deeper sense of pleasure, satisfaction, well-being?  A colleague of mine claims that "the happiest time of life for men is ages 60-69 and the unhappiest period is ages 20-29".  Is this true?  Is it also true - as Freud claimed - that it takes more effort to be happy than it does to be unhappy?

Happiness is self-defined: your happiness may not look or feel like mine.  The things that make your partner happy may not make you happy, and vice-versa.  Happiness is experienced not only in our neocortex (where our thoughts reside), but also on a total body level:  a happy body is full of energy, flexibility, aliveness and strength.  It can take you almost anywhere and recover quickly from difficult situations.  Let's define what happiness is for you.   

Complete this sentence:  For me, real happiness is _______________________. 

I recommend that you complete the sentence several times and write down your answers:  your answers may "deepen" the more you think about it.  Let your answer(s) be as long as you like, the more you write, the more your subconscious may get activated and you may get answers that surprise you.  Once you've completed the sentence a few times, take a look at your answers:  is there a theme?  Are there links between the things you wrote?  For example, are most of the things you wrote related to social events, physical activities or things done in solitude?  Just notice, don't judge.  It's just information.   

Here are some other questions to help identify what you define as happiness:

• When was the last time you really felt happy?
• What kinds of things have brought you happiness in the past?
• When was the last time you did any of those things?
• Who are some people you know who seem to be happy? What is it about them that makes them happy? What are they like?

In my work with clients, I often use elements of Buddhist psychology to help clients identify and eliminate the sources of their suffering and locate the source of their happiness.  For example, if you hook your happiness onto someone else (e.g., your partner) or some event happening in a certain way (e.g., your boss being kind to you), your happiness is shaky.  A more solid, lasting happiness has got to come from a lasting source...a source that you can control.  The only thing you can control is your mind and body...and that's a challenge in itself. 

For some people, this is where spirituality comes in.  God or Spirit is seen as the only unchanging source of happiness and, in theory, we need to align with this essence or presence in order to have a continual pipeline to happiness.  Well, all you spiritual folks out there, how easy it THAT to pull off?  Quite difficult, isn't it?  It doesn't matter whether you have a spiritual belief system or not, happiness has got to come from within.  There's nothing else we have guaranteed access to:  money, your partner, your job, your house, it's all temporary and can be here today, gone tomorrow. 

In an effort to avoid a cookbook mentality, here are some possible ways to experience more happiness:

• Identify what historically has brought you happiness and unhappiness.
• Study people that you think are happier than you are.  What do they have that you don't?  If you can, ask them about themselves and how they find their happiness. 
• Begin to quiet your mind:  any activity that brings you more peace and quiet is setting the stage for happiness.
• Find ways to let yourself be more spontaneous, e.g., more yourself:  do you need to spend a day hiking, an afternoon playing golf, an evening dancing your ass off until the club closes?  How can you loosen up more? 
• Live more in the moment.  Notice when you're off in future hopes or dreams and kindly bring yourself back to this moment.  Happiness is only available NOW, not tomorrow and not yesterday.  If you're stuck in the past, overanalyzing something for the millionth time, gently bring yourself back to the present. 
• Experiment with being more flexible; if you can "go with the flow", your odds of happiness increase exponentially.  If you have to have things your way, happiness is unlikely to fly in your window...because you're got it bolted shut and locked down. 
• Forgiveness is another path to happiness.  The person you refuse to forgive for their stupid behavior is probably off at the beach having a good time while you're still stuck in your misery.  Forgiveness isn't about making the other person feel better; it helps you feel better, and brings you one step closer to experiencing more happiness. 

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE

In my private practice, a lot of clients come to me and complain about disappointment.  Disappointment with their new job, new lover, new home, new diet.  Self-help books make it sound so easy to make major changes in our lives.  But is it?  How often have you heard someone say, "Hey, it's time for a change, I'm really ready to change my life".  But, a few months (weeks?) later, check in with them.  They're likely to be disappointed and say something like: "I thought it was gonna be so great with this new job/lover/diet, but it's the same old shit as before."  Most of us can only sustain this kind of change for about three days max.  After that, we fall back into the same old patterns.  After all, we've had years to develop these patterns, and yet we expect in three days we can undo the cumulative damage of decades? 

Self-help books, claims of wise gurus and infomercial promises aren't enough:  nothing "magically" changes just because we say so.  If we want things to change, we need to take action and create the change by behaving and thinking differently.  Change is hard work.  Before you undertake any major change in your life, it's helpful to look at what stands in your way.  Here are some obstacles to change that I see in many of my clients.  Are they familiar?

You aren't willing to do the work:  If you just wait for happiness (more money, a new lover, a better job) to come to you, what do you think will happen?  Likely, nothing!  New results require new thoughts, actions, speech, and intentions.  Instead of giving up on your desires for change, look past the obvious and dig deeper.  For example: if you want a boyfriend, what for?  If it's to stop feeling lonely, then a boyfriend may not fix your problem.  Your loneliness is the real problem.  If you think you need a new job, what for?  Do you want to leave your current job because you find some of the people difficult?  Guess what?  There are usually difficult people at every job.  Rather than running away, set your intention to learn how to deal with difficult people.  See what I mean about digging deeper?  A recent client told me he wanted to look like actor Daniel Craig in his naked scenes in those James Bond movies.  I asked him why.  He said, "because then I'll feel sexy and confident."  I suggested we work on how he can feel that way WITHOUT looking like 007.  I helped him identify and remove what blocked him from feeling sexy, confident, strong and handsome. 

You're too impatient:  How many of us feel impatient about change and don't want to wait forever to become happier?  (In all honesty, I'd raise my hand to this one).  After all, we deserve to be happy, don't we?  Look at how long we're suffered already.  If you've spent 25, 35 or 45 years feeling you're not worthy of a good job/partner/house/whatever, do you really expect that just simply deciding to change will transform your life?  When my clients want to take on big psychological "makeovers", I encourage them to take it slowly.  We can't sustain major change when we try to do it dramatically and quickly.  I know it isn't as exciting - it wouldn't make good reality TV - but lasting change in our lives comes gradually, step-by-step. 

You expect too much:  When I have a new client who says, "I have so many problems, I don't know where to start", I encourage him or her to make a list of all the things that bother them and to rate these problems (on a scale of 1 to 10) by how much pain each one brings them.  For example, "I hate my job" is a 7, "I feel so lonely" is a 9, "I don't like my body" is a 3.  We start to work on the most painful stuff first and we focus on one problem at a time, breaking it down into small, do-able action steps. For example, saying "I hate my job" over-and-over is only going to bring you misery.  Instead, ask yourself questions like: "What about my job bothers me the most?  What do I like about it?" Any seemingly unsolvable problem can be broken down into a series of smaller, more easily solved problems.

You're too hard on yourself:  You may think that you're a slacker, but, in reality, you're probably too hard on yourself.  Punishing yourself isn't the way to make changes.  You've been punishing yourself for years, and you haven't changed.  That's not the way to do it.  Here's a better way:  make a list of 10 ways that you can be kinder to yourself in the next week and start to do them.  I guarantee you that by being kinder to yourself, any changes you want to make in your life will happen more quickly and painlessly.  I'm sorry to tell you it won't be fast and dramatic: change comes from being persistent and consistent.  Try it and don't be surprised when you life starts to change, in small ways...and then keeps on changing.

STOP HATING YOURSELF:  THE JOYS OF GETTING OLDER

It seems like an epidemic:  we're all becoming older and feeling that we're becoming more-and-more invisible.  I get a lot of emails from mid-life gay men (and a few women) saying some version of:  "I am physically aging much faster than I'd hoped (wrinkles, love handles, receding hairline, expanding belly). Who's going to want me now?"   Popular culture calls this a "midlife crisis", but does it have to be a crisis? 

Midlife crises shake up our lives for better and for worse, but - surprisingly - the biggest mistake is not having one at all. A midlife crisis is a period of a time of intense growth and dramatic life changes that are exciting and terrifying. The "crisis" usually occurs between our late 30's and early 50's.  How do you know you're having a midlife crisis? It's not only about how your looks change; more importantly, it's about realizing that your values have changed.  You realize that the values that have guided you for so many years no longer work. Something's gotta give!

Most midlife crises are triggered by introspection, events like a death or a relationship ending, unhappiness with physical aging and/or money or career concerns.  For many of us, physical aging hits us - hard -about this time. As one client told me, "What will I do when I'm not young and cute any more?" Unlike celebrities and movie stars, most normal people visibly age. More importantly, we psychologically age. This is also known as becoming "wiser", and it's a good thing.  Wisdom, however, has a way of pulling the rug out from under our youthful illusions ("I'm going to be famous." or "Once I find my soul mate, everything will be perfect".)  Few of us manage to manifest all the dreams of our 20's and 30's, and when we do, the money or the success or the partner rarely measures up to our idealistic standards.

As enlightened LGBTers, most of us have looked at our own racism and homophobia, but let's look at a more subtle form of discrimination and self-hatred: ageism. Straight and gay media lovingly promote the high-priced anti-aging products of their advertisers. They are unlikely to encourage us to love ourselves just as we are. Instead, we are brainwashed to think we are barely acceptable unless we hide or eliminate our gray hair, receding hairlines, love handles and wrinkled skin. Happy, secure LGBTers won't buy overpriced anti-aging products; but scared and desperate people will...and do.

How can we escape the self-hatred of ageism? First off, be willing to identify old parts of yourself that you've suppressed. Those needs and desires can be very important for us as we pour the"foundation" for the second half of our life.  Ask yourself: what do I really care about? What do I want to spend my energy on? We are a generation of LGBTers who (in general) are better educated, healthier and more affluent than our forefathers/mothers. We may live for another 40 or 50 years. But, as one of my 40-something clients recently asked me, "What am I gonna do with all that time?"

I experienced my own midlife crisis when I was 41, a long-term relationship ended and I found myself unhappy in my job and newly single. While it was a time of great potential, it was as scary as hell. As a result of this midlife "crisis", I found a good therapist, quit my job, dated a lot, and went back to college. It was quite an upheaval (I moved from LA to San Francisco with no job, no man and few friends) but I doubt I would have changed my life so dramatically if I wasn't "forced" to.

Some of us, in midlife, go through a period of reckless behavior. If we're in a monogamous relationship we may have affairs or even end a long-term relationship. We may find ourselves drinking more, taking more recreational drugs, shopping and spending money we really don't have and/or charging expensive vacations that will take us years to pay for.  All these behaviors are ways of acting out and avoiding reality.  They're detours off the path.  We can take them, but sooner or later, we have to face the music:  we're getting older and our lives have to change.  How are we going to handle this?

Instead of acting out like some overaged teenager - kicking and screaming into your 40's and 50's - I suggest that you use this time to make your life even better.  Take more healthy risks:  try things that make you uncomfortable, like learning a new sport, going to social gatherings and starting conversations (rather than waiting for people to come to you), volunteering or even going back to school to switch careers.

At times like these, lean on your friends and family. These folks can be your rock.  As you begin to change your life, you need them more than ever. Ask them for support, call them when you get scared, and hang with them when you need some comfort.   It's okay to be scared, but don't wallow in self-pity. When you ask "Who's going to want me now?" the answer needs to be: "I do". If you don't want to be with yourself, who else would want to be with you? Mid-life is the perfect time to start to please yourself by finding out what's missing from your life (self-esteem, excitement, joy, spontaneity, fulfilling sex) and taking steps to have it.

If we are lucky, we get to be older.  Because of AIDS, previous generations of our brothers and sisters didn't make it to midlife, so let's be grateful we're still alive and use our 30's, 40's and 50's to learn from past mistakes and set the course for our future: a future based on more than unwrinkled skin...a future based on wisdom and self-acceptance.

WHAT IS SPIRITUALITY?

Have you ever met people who seem to have it all (plenty of money, great jobs, hot partners) who lament (drunkenly, over too many cocktails), "I have it all, why do I feel so empty?"  That old t-shirt from the 80's is wrong: He or She who dies with the most toys does NOT win.  It's more likely that he or she gets all the toys and wonders, "Is that all there is?" 

For many people, the next step in their life is to explore spirituality.  But what is "spirituality" anyway? I looked it up in the dictionary, and found, "related to the spirit or sacred matters" and "deeply religious". So I looked up "spirit" and found: "life-giving force, presence of God, vivacity or enthusiasm". Confusing, isn't it? Some people use the words "religion" and "spirituality" synonymously, yet for many people, religion is not their thing and spirituality is. So, what is a spiritual path and what does it have to offer? I did some research and here's what I came up with:

According to Christina Feldman (author of "How to Find Inner Peace in a Busy World" and "Spiritual Practice in Everyday Life"): "All spiritual paths start with misery and help us gradually find our way to happiness...ignorance or unwise view is considered an attachment to physical things, people, events, and/or jobs to make us happy...something that is inevitably going to change will not be able to bring us happiness. Spirituality is about wisdom or insight that brings happiness, joy, liberation, a profound harmony with all things. Unskillful speech or action is what brings us suffering, struggle, despair, disharmony and disappointment".

Some people see a spiritual path as a vehicle to move from this unwise way of living (and all the struggle it brings) to wisdom and freedom from suffering. Feldman says "most people live in what is secure and familiar, looking there for lasting happiness and are continually disappointed to find that their heroic efforts to be free from struggle lead too often to disappointment". Perhaps people who "have it all" seek a spiritual path because with all their external trappings of success, they're questioning where they can find a (lasting) peace of heart and mind.  This kind of internal questioning may lead to a spiritual path.

Most of my clients on a spiritual path have some sort of structure that supports their process of questioning and discovery: they may learn to meditate, pray, go on silent retreats, do yoga, chi gong and spend time in nature.  For many of these men and women, events in their lives "startled them into wakefulness and shattered their sense of safety, security and predictability" (Feldman again).

Motivations to seek a spiritual path may include: the pain or the death of someone we care for (a pain we cannot fix), the loss of something or someone we have relied on, or hurt received from someone we trusted. The inevitable gains and losses, highs and lows, successes and failures that are part of living are great motivators to look deeper than the world of things and people for our peace of mind.

For many of my clients, the heart of their spiritual investigation is a willingness to ask the question: "Who am I really?" An unwillingness to do this makes any kind of growth - spiritual, psychological or otherwise - almost impossible. We need to release the rigid ideas we have of who we are, what Feldman calls, "the mythology of self".

Here is an exercise Feldman suggests to begin a spiritual quest: Write a short autobiography, beginning each sentence with the words "I am ------------------" (fill in the blank). This will give you a sense of your "mythology of self" and how you may be clinging to outdated ideas of self-identity. Look carefully:  you may discover that your sense of security, safety and existence relies upon your self-identity remaining unchallenged. Take your autobiography - your "story of me" - and ask yourself: who am I apart from these descriptions of myself? Who am I if you take away my story?

There is a lot of truth in the statement: "All you need are the right questions and the right answers will come."  Without asking the right questions, we may be deluding ourselves into thinking that our happiness lies in external events or people. There is suffering in this "mythology of self" because its maintenance relies upon the world supporting it and never changing.  Keeping this mythology going requires that we control events, people and circumstances so that our story, opinions and preferences are not challenged. This is a big problem: we cannot make anything stand still for us.  Clearly, we are not in control.

Spirituality is more than just the latest trendy thing.  If you've ever asked yourself, "What is my purpose in life?" or "Why am I here?" spirituality may be helpful in a way that linear logic is not.  Check it out and see if it beckons.  You might find some interesting answers to long-puzzling questions.  You may discover a new path that takes you in a brand new direction, whether you call it "spirituality", psychology, philosophy or whatever!

A LOW STRESS LIFE 

Today I got a call from a new client, who asked me, "Can you help me lower my stress and anxiety?  I don't want to take medication.  Oh, and by the way, I'm kinda depressed too."  This is a common request.  Despite TV commercials that show relaxed, happy people running in fields, blessed out on their new anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, many people don't want to take pills.  Many pills have a lot of side effects, some of which may be worse than the anxiety or stress itself.  And many people don't want to feel "dependent" on pills.  I am not an MD, so I don't prescribe medication for my clients.  For some people, medication works.  For the rest of you who prefer to lower your stress and anxiety without medication, this column is for you.  Here are some suggestions for reducing your stress, anxiety, panic and worry without taking medication. 

Try a simple 3-5 minute meditation:  sit comfortably in a chair or sofa and let your feet rest easily on the floor.  Relax and allow the chair to hold you up; you don't have to do anything.  Let your eyes gently close.  Put your hands on your stomach and begin to breathe deeply and easily.  As you breathe in, say to yourself, "I am breathing in."  As you breathe out, say to yourself, "I am breathing out."  Notice the easy rising and falling of your stomach as you breathe.  If thoughts come into your mind, let the thoughts be like clouds:  they float into your mind and easily float out.  Enjoy your breathing.

Get away from people on a regular basis.  Even if you adore your partner or you are the mother of 5 fabulous kids, you need to periodically get away from people.  One client I know - a stay-at-home dad - leaves his beloved partner and their son and goes to a coffee shop, reads the paper and people-watches at least once a week.  Another client of mine takes a bubble bath and locks the door.  Her partner and kids are not allowed to disturb her during her 30 minutes in the tub.    

Create a relaxing morning and evening routine.  When you wake up and just before you fall asleep are two times of day when your mind is very receptive to positive (or negative) thoughts.  Even if you're super-energetic, don't leap out of bed and try to control your day from the get-go.  Let yourself wake up gradually...you might even make a statement of gratitude like "Thank you for another day." This sets the tone for your day.  You can also do the 3-minute meditation (see above) when you wake up.   Before going to sleep, don't read the newspaper or watch the news; you don't want to take all those disasters to sleep with you.  Instead, create a simple routine for yourself that calms you and sets the tone for the kinds of dreams you want to have.

Get enough sleep.  Experiment:  find out how many hours of sleep really makes your body happy.  What time is it best for you to go to bed/wake up?  Don't compare yourself with other people, your body is unique.  Once you find what works, stick with it as much as possible.  A predictable sleep schedule promotes deep, stress-reducing sleep. 

Moderate your sugar, caffeine and alcohol intake.  Sugar and caffeine highs and the crashes that follow make it hard to stay relaxed and grounded.  Alcohol can temporarily relax you, but you pay a price later...usually in lousy sleep or low energy the next day.  If you know you're going to be drinking a lot, keep the next day as undemanding as possible.   

Find outlets for your anger and frustration.  You can't live in this world without getting pissed off at times.  Even the Dalai Lama loses his temper and Mother Teresa was no pushover.  For some of us, this means a physical outlet.  I used to have a punching bag suspended in my bedroom, and I'd hit it with boxing gloves when I was frustrated or annoyed.  Writing can be a good way to discharge intense emotions.  So can music: find yourself a terrifically aggressive and angry song to sing along with when you're irritated and pissed off (I personally like Nirvana's "Stay Away").  Hit the gym and work out until you're exhausted, or go out dancing and sweat through all your clothes, thoroughly discharging all the negative emotions you've held onto all day. 

Know your limits.  Sometimes, feelings of anxiety, panic or depression are too much for us.  If you have suicidal feelings, pay attention: this may be a sign that you need professional help.  Call your doctor, therapist or the 24-hour San Diego County suicide prevention line at 800-479-3339. 

In this world, living a low-stress life is an ongoing challenge.  Whether you live in a mansion in LaJolla or a studio apartment  in North Park, there's no escaping stress, anxiety and worry.  The above ideas are a start.  This stuff works when they do it, but it's hard to do it all the time.  Not to worry:  the goal is a long-term, sustainable reduction of stress and anxiety in your life.  Try these ideas and see if they work for you, keep the ones that do and let the others go.  

PLAYING THE BLAME GAME

As my grandma (the Ohio chicken farmer) said, "Nobody's life is shit-free".  She's right.  Our parents mess up, friends let us down, lovers screw up, bosses and coworkers act like morons.  There is a huge temptation to blame other people for our problems.  As a psychotherapist, I hear this all the time, "I'm so depressed because my mother never paid any attention to me" or "I'm so messed up because my ex cheated on me and now I can't trust anybody."  By blaming other people for our problems, we don't have to be responsible.  We get to be victims, and we get the perfect excuse not to change:  it's all their fault. 

Sometimes we do exactly the opposite:  we blame ourselves for everything.  "It's all my fault", I've heard clients say as they describe their parents, friends and ex lovers as almost perfect.  It may be so painful to tell yourself the truth that your parents, lovers or friends screwed up, that you become hyper-responsible.  It's not helpful to blame all your problems on yourself, e.g., "Oh, I'm just so lazy, it's all my fault" or "I'm just such a frigging mess, I've always been this way."  Blaming yourself or someone else for your troubles will get you nowhere.  I suggest an alternative:  being responsible.

Being responsible means that you tell yourself (and others) the truth about what happened in the past, see it in context, learn something from it and move on.  It's not about denial:  you can't learn anything from saying, "Well, my ex was a total asshole, oh well, whatever..." How can you learn anything from that kind of verbal shoulder shrug? 

Being responsible is about understanding what happened to us and putting it in context.  San Diego author Louise Hay says, "We are all victims of victims."  This sounds depressing, until you look at it from another point of view: our parents couldn't teach us anything they didn't know, neither could our friends or lovers.  Everyone is doing the best they can with the knowledge that they have at that time.  Few people deliberately set out to mess with our heads, they just don't know any better.  This includes us. 

Many people enjoy playing the victim; it gives you the best excuse in the world for being immature and bitter.  "They did it TO me!  Poor helpless sweet little me".  This may have been true when you were a kid, but are you going to stay a victimized child for the rest of your life?  Blame will keep you stuck there.  For example:  if your father beat you when you were a kid, saying it was because he loved you, how do you not blame him?  Let's assume he did love you, but his way of showing it was abusive.  Being responsible is a process of accepting what happened in your past and validating it in the present, so you can work through it and be free of it.  It means being 100% accountable for yourself NOW, in the present.  Blame, on the other hand, sounds like this:  "This is how I am and I can't change it...I hate my dad and I'll never stop hating him for what he did to me."  This is how people get stuck in hating and a desire for revenge.

Let me share my formula with you: 

Blame = avoidance

Responsibility =  potential for change

If you want to keep on doing the same-old, same-old, then stay with your blame.  Don't be surprised, however, when you feel depressed, cynical and bitter.  This is where blame takes you.  If you want to change your life, start to take responsibility for yourself.  Yeah, maybe some nasty shit has happened to you in the past, but what do you want your future to be?  If you're ready to change, seeing the past clearly and (eventually) forgiving yourself and the other "guilty" parties can usher in a new way of living:  one full of possibilities and unimagined psychological freedom.  The formula doesn't lie: the choice is yours.

YOUR BODY, AGING and SELF-IMAGE

More and more of my clients - straight, gay, whomever - are asking me if I think it's wrong to get botox or restylene treatments to look younger.  I've had clients go to Brazil, Mexico and even Asia for plastic surgery.  A client who just had his eyes "done" told me, "I just want to look like myself, only ‘fresher'."  At a recent conference for psychiatrists and psychotherapists, some of my colleagues admitted that they had some work "done".  It's pretty popular, but how does altering your appearance relate to your mental health?   

Plastic surgery and less "major" forms of body altering are heavily promoted.  Injecting Botox (a poison) into your body is considered perfectly normal.  We don't seem to care what the doctor injects into us, as long as we get fewer wrinkles.  Let's cut to the chase here (pun intended) and ask: why would I want to alter my body or face surgically?  What would be my goal? 

I get a lot of referrals from plastic surgeons who ask me to evaluate their clients for elective cosmetic surgery.  When these clients come to my office, I encourage them to dig deep into their psyches and ask themselves:  "What do I want to achieve from this procedure?"  Is it:

• To like myself better?
• To have the admiration of others?
• To look like the bodies I most admire in others?

Answering these questions gives people clarity into their motivation...and why not give it some thought?  These procedures are typically very expensive and not without risk.  Before you spend all that time and money, why not see if there are other easier and cheaper ways to achieve your goals. 

For example, let's say your goal is to like yourself better.  I've had clients who actually felt worse about themselves after their plastic surgery, because they spent all that time and money and their self-esteem was still lousy afterwards, only now they were several thousand dollars poorer.  They had hoped they'd like themselves more with a new nose, flatter stomach or less baggy eyes.  They found out that changing the outside doesn't necessarily change how you feel inside.

Consider these questions:

• If your goal is to like yourself more, are there better ways to do it than altering your appearance? Is self-esteem really based on physical appearance? If this were true, the most beautiful people would be the happiest people (and we know this is not true).
• Would working on raising your self-esteem be a better investment than a few thousand bucks for a "fresher" face?
• Would you be more likely to have the admiration of others if you were the type of person people liked, felt comfortable with and could emotionally connect with?
• If you want to have the kind of body that others admire, would exercise (lifting weights, yoga, jogging) and eating more healthily be more effective in the long run than a tummy tuck or liposuction?
• Why do so many of us feel so desperate to change our image? Why do we allow the media to make us feel bad about our bodies? If we are unhealthy, ill or vulnerable to disease, that's one thing. But if we are none of these and just don't like how we look, wouldn't a more powerful question be: why am I so dependent on what others think of my appearance?

Promoting body insecurity sells products that promise us the illusion of popularity and admiration.  If you depend on externals like Botox or plastic surgery to feel good about yourself, you're doomed to despair.  This stuff is temporary.  The only thing that really lasts - and is likely to improve as you age - is your mental health.  Physically, we all age, eventually get sick and die.  We can fight it for a while, but none of us gets out of here alive, and few of us do it looking "fresh" and youthful. 

Hoping to achieve the perfect face and body is like going on a trip knowing we will never get to the destination.  There is no real "perfection" out there, and even if we somehow manage to get there, it's temporary.  Today's fashion model (our alleged cultural ideal) is typically passé in a few years.  If the image of the perfect man/woman doesn't change, you can't sell new products (clothes, skin care, cosmetics, hair color, etc.) so the ideal standard of beauty is constantly in motion...and the consumer product industry is always on the outlook for new things to sell us.  A recent fashion magazine article talked about plastic surgery methods for altering elbows, stating that faces, hands and most other body parts are easily altered now, and that elbows are the hip new target for plastic surgery.

In closing, I return to the original question:  "is it wrong to get botox or restylene treatments to look younger".  I suggest replacing it with two more practical questions:  "will this really make me feel better about who I am?" and "if it does, is this temporary or will it last?"  If you want to feel better about yourself, perhaps there are other, more lasting and cheaper, ways to do so.  Do your homework, ask yourself the tough questions, and make your decision.  The choice is yours.

CURIOSITY and PASSION

Joni Mitchell has a song, "Happiness is the best facelift", but curiosity may be just as good.  If you want to stay youthful and energetic, consider the role of curiosity in your life.  As kids, many of us were not encouraged to be curious: "Curiosity killed the cat", my grandma told me when I asked too many questions.  At the time (age 5) I shut up and obeyed her, but I wish I had replied with, "But Grandma, I'll bet that cat had a fabulous 9 lives before he died."

Curiosity in the world

Curiosity is enthusiasm about your own life and that of others.  It's about being out there in the world, not all wrapped up in your neurotic little self.  Curiosity is questioning, wondering, and pondering.  Reading can be a great way to experience curiosity: you can travel the world and meet the most bizarre and amazing people without leaving your home.  Travel is another way to express your curiosity about the world.  When you go to different places, you leave your comfort zone behind: new people, places, things and customs keep you alert and pose questions like:  "Why do they do that?" or "What would I be like if I grew up here?"  Curiosity in the world keeps us mentally expanding and growing...and youthful.

Curiosity about yourself

Besides wondering about others and how they live, it's mentally healthy to wonder about yourself.  Consider these questions:

• Who am I really?
• Who am I today?
• Who did I used to be?
• Who do I want to be in 5, 10 or 15 years?

By actively questioning and exploring who you are and who you want to be (e.g., "Why am I here?") you are creating new neural patterns in your brain that make you younger, smarter and healthier.  While there is a fine line between self-curiosity and self-obsession (hello narcissists!), it's hard to grow without periodic spells of self-examination (even Madonna said, "an unexamined life is not worth living" in her song lyrics), You can use self-help books, prayer, meditation, psychotherapy and even shopping to explore your curiosity about yourself.  Yes, shopping!  For example, when you go shopping, how do you define what's really "You"?  Do you look at something and think, "I like that shirt/lamp/whatever, but that's just not ‘me'."  This is shopping as a form of self-definition.  By saying "yes" or "no" to things you could wear/buy/have, you are asking yourself, "Who am I and what do I think is right for me?"  So the next time you go shopping, consciously enjoy your curiosity.  Let yourself be amused and perhaps even surprised at how you define yourself.    

Passion: curiosity's best friend

I define passion as strong feelings or energy directed towards someone or something.  There is a common misconception about passion that it must be dramatic and over-the-top.  This is bullshit.  Passion can be as subtle as watching a spider spin a web at your cubicle at work or noticing the color of the tomato plants on your apartment balcony.  We are all passionate beings.  You may not think you are, but, dear reader, get over yourself.  You may not yet be aware of your passion or expressing it (yet), but it's there. 

Often I hear my clients say, "Oh, I wish I felt passionate about something...my life is just so boring."  Even a statement like:  "I just HATE my life!  Everything sucks!" is hardly passion-less.  There is passion there: thwarted passion.  Thwarted passion kills:  a little bit at a time, we die.  Don't let this happen to you.  Instead, look for little things that bring you joy, that make your heart beat just a little faster.  Look at the people in your life in whose presence you feel most alive.  Look at the animals and plants in your life whose presence you delight in.  These are all sources of passion.  Your passions are uniquely your own...no one may understand why you love gardening and circuit parties. These are your passions and they need fulfill only you.

Discover your own passions

Here's an exercise to get in touch with some of your passions.  Sit in a nice relaxing spot, turn off the cell phone, get a piece of paper and pen and then ask yourself these questions:

• What do I care about?
• What do I find interesting?
• What would I like to know more about?
• What have I long wanted to do/try/learn?

These are not easy questions, but they will stimulate the right side of your brain...the creative, inspiring side.  Take your time and think about them.  You may want to answer them now and put them aside, then look at them tomorrow and add to your answers.  Let yourself free associate...there are no wrong answers! 

Allow the questions to help you identify your passions, those parts of your life that you are curious about and want to explore more.  When you follow your curiosity, your life gets more vivid and energized.  Curiosity leads to passion:  curiosity is the process of investigation and passion is the experience that comes from acting on what you discover.  If your life feels a bit dull and boring, try the  exercises, have fun playing with your curiosity and identifying your passions.  Above all: enjoy the process.

UNLEARNING JEALOUSY

"Let jealousy be your teacher.  Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing.  It can be your guide into your own dark side and show you the way to total self-realization.  Jealousy can teach you how to live in peace with yourself and with the whole world if you let it." 

Deborah Anapol, Love without Limits

Jealousy feels lousy; most of us do whatever we can not to go there.   Why do we give it so much power to make us miserable?  Why do some people use jealousy as an "excuse" to go berserk?  Ask yourself:  what is jealousy to me?  For many of my clients, it's an expression of insecurity, fear, rejection, abandonment, feeling inadequate, etc.  Unlearning jealousy is a wonderful thing.  I help clients with this all the time.  It's a gradual process that takes time and introspection, but the results are always worth it. 

To unlearn jealousy, I help clients establish within themselves a strong foundation of internal security that is not dependent on having or possessing people or things.  If we think we own someone or something, we're stuck in jealousy.  We don't own our partners, jobs, kids, looks, or health...we're really just "renting" them.  We can't make people stay with us, nor can we hold onto something good forever.  It's in the nature of people and phenomena to be impermanent...ideally, we'll enjoy them while they're here and gracefully let go when it's time.  Sounds good, hard to do.

One of the keys to unlearning jealousy is self-validation.  Slowly, we can begin the process of looking to ourselves for our own happiness (an internal orientation) and needing less and less from other people, places or things (an external orientation).  Start small...begin to develop your own internal compass.  For example, when you do something well, don't call your best friend right away to blurt it out.  Instead, give yourself praise and encouragement.  People who take loving care of themselves are seldom jealous.

Jealous people need other people to do as they say.  Because they don't have strong internal compasses, they cling to people and situations to feel okay.  Jealous people usually feel out of control, so they want to control their partners, friends and everyone in their path.  This isn't because they're cruel; it's because they're scared. 

Becoming your own source of strength and comfort decreases your jealousy.  When someone does something they don't like, a jealous person feels personally betrayed.  A secure person notices it and may say, "I don't like that.  Please don't do it again." and a calm, reasonable conversation can follow where a compromise can be reached.  Sound familiar?  It's how people maintain long-term friendships/romantic relationships.  It can't always be about you.  For jealous people, it is all about them, because they're so insecure and unstable they need you to do what they say and not "upset" them.

When I work with clients who feel stuck in their jealousy, I ask them if they are WILLING to not act out their jealousy (no more screaming, name-calling or throwing things).  Instead, we work together so they can sit with their jealous feelings, identify and analyze them; this strips the jealous feelings of their power.  I encourage my clients to feel their jealousy rather than act it out.  This is initially uncomfortable, and many people tell me things like "it'll kill me to feel this bad".  But, It won't.  However, habitually acting out from jealousy will kill your friendships, romances, careers and even your own aliveness. 

I encourage my clients to OWN their jealousy, "I feel jealous because my boyfriend was checking that guy out" or "I think my girlfriend is cheating on me because she was at the grocery store longer than usual."  Intense jealousy reeks of paranoia, and that brings us nothing but misery and craziness.  But, there is good news:  if you are willing to sit still and listen to your jealous little self with compassion, you quickly discover that jealousy is survivable.  That alone is shocking to lots of people.  Unlearning jealousy isn't easy, but, it sure feels good the more you do it.

I'll close with a quote from the wonderful book, Ethical Sluts (authors: D. Easton & C. Liszt):

 "I notice that jealousy comes and goes, depending on how good I feel about myself.  When I'm not taking care of getting what I want, it's easy to get jealous and think that someone else is getting what I‘m not.  I need to remember that it's my job to get my needs met.  I feel the jealousy, but I'm not willing to act on it, so it mostly goes away." 

And that, dear readers, is how it works.

GETTING ALONG WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

No matter how wonderful your life is, it's impossible to avoid difficult people.  These unpleasant folks may be your neighbors, coworkers, family, clients, boss or even your partner.  Regardless of who they are, how are you going to get along with them?  You can't just blow them off and run away (they have a way of finding you).  You need to find ways to make peace with them, no matter how stupid, obnoxious or unpleasant they are.  Here are some ways to start:

Know Yourself:  Take some time and figure out what kind of people drive you "crazy", e.g., who in your life can really push your buttons?  These pain-in-the-ass people (I call them  "PITAs") are your triggers.  When you notice one of your PITAs is triggering you, what can you do?  How can you avoid being a "victim" of someone else's lousy unhappiness? 

Watch Your Body:  Most of us feel stress/tension/worry when we're around our PITAs.  Notice what happens to your body when you're around them. Where does the stress and tension show up?  Imagine that you're talking with your least favorite person in the world: notice what's going on in your body.  Where do you feel physical sensations?  Many of us, when we're around difficult people, feel our shoulders and necks get rigid.  Often we "stuff" our anger/frustration in our stomach.  Some of us lock our jaws or tighten up our eyes.  We all have our own ways of how our bodies react to the PITAs in our life.  We can use this to change how we habitually respond to them.

PITAs at Work:  Our private lives are usually easier to control, but what about our work life?  At work, we're often stuck dealing with difficult people, whether they're customers, coworkers or supervisors.  While you're at work, what can you do to help yourself handle your PITAs more easily? 

Get some physical exercise before you come to work, during breaks or at lunch.  Hit the gym on the way to work, take a walk around the building during a break or go for a brisk stroll at lunch. 

After a challenging day at work, when you get home, do something fun and/or relaxing, e.g., play with your pets or your kids, do a little yoga, meditation, prayer, hang out in nature, listen to music you like, enjoy some gardening or reading. 

While at work, limit your caffeine and sugar intake and you'll have fewer emotional ups and downs.  When not at work, limit alcohol: it messes up deep sleep patterns so that - the next day - your PITAs can easily irritate you. 

At lunchtime, notice what foods make you sleepy or groggy and which ones leave you alert and energized when you're back at your desk.  Before you leave for work, eat something for breakfast.  It's not good to go to work on an empty stomach: you're more likely to be moody and let a difficult person get to you.  All day long: drink lots of water:  it gets electrolytes to your brain and helps you think more clearly: a good skill to have when dealing with your PITAs. 

Watch your Self-Talk:  What do you tell yourself when someone obnoxious starts to piss you off?  Imagine a situation where you've been insulted by a difficult client.  Got it?  Now try these 3 steps to change your self-talk: 

• Notice what you're thinking ("All my clients are morons".)
• Stop thinking that thought (think "Delete" or "Erase")
• Substitute another thought in the same vein that is positive or at least neutral ("I can handle a few difficult clients". Or "Most of my clients are good people. This too will pass.")

Your Ideal Relaxation Place (IRP):  Here's a secret weapon in the war against the PITAs:  Close your eyes and visualize the most peaceful place you've ever been.  What it was like?  Really experience it with all your senses; feel as if you're really there.  This place - your Ideal Relaxation Place (IRP) - is your secret weapon against difficult people.  Your IRP is always there when you need it, because it's all in your mind.  You can go there any time you need to escape from those evil PITAs.  If you have 10 seconds, you can go there quickly.  If you have 20-30 seconds, even better. 

Problems with sleeping:  If you don't sleep well, you're more vulnerable to people pushing your buttons.  Here are some suggestions for getting a good night's sleep: Avoid intense exercise or eating within 3 hours of sleep time.  Don't watch the news or read newspapers at this time either: you don't want to take those "death, doom & disaster" thoughts to sleep with you.  If you're physically tense, a hot bath with Epson salts helps your muscles relax.

Take good care of yourself:  We really do have a choice in how we respond to difficult people; we're not helpless little victims.  Knowing yourself and taking good care of yourself minimizes how much your PITAs will be able to push your buttons and piss you off.  By watching how your body reacts to difficult people and being aware of the food and drink you put in it, you'll have more control over what you used to think were "automatic" or "gut" reactions to all those annoying people in your life. Try the IRP visualization when someone annoys you and do your best to minimize negative self-talk. 

Aim for improvement, not perfection:  No one's perfect: we all lose it now and then.  Don't beat yourself up if you get irritated at one of your PITAs. Instead, forgive yourself, apologize (if necessary) and get back on track.  Eventually, fewer and fewer people will be able to drive you "crazy" and those pain-in-the-ass people will start to leave you alone because they'll no longer get a reaction out of you.  They'll start to bother other people instead, and you'll no longer feel like a "victim" of anyone else's lousy mood/day/life.  Some people call this "happiness".  Check it out.

"NO ONE MY AGE IS ATTRACTIVE"

Real intimacy is scary. While we all think we should want it, it's a lot of work: it forces us to look at ourselves and see the dark side (the Darth Vader in us all) as well as the well-adjusted face we show to the world. One way to avoid real intimacy and all the work it requires is by choosing unsuitable partners. Many people say they want a long-term relationship, but have never had one.  How could this be?  From my work as a psychotherapist, I've seen a lot of clients who are split down the middle in the relationship department: one part of them likes to keep it light and sex-based, and the other part of them wants more.  There's a tug-of-war going on in their brain and they tell me they feel "stuck".  Sound familiar?

Another good way to never find a partner is to find people your own age unattractive.  Let's call it, "Ageism".  For us LGBT folks, ageism is so easy to buy into that most of us don't give it a second thought.  Both gay and straight media make big bucks by pushing youth in the form of predominantly white, hairless, slim but defined, perfect-looking young men and women with no fat, no wrinkles and no maturity.  These idealized beings (often photoshopped to death) are used to sell us products that we think we need to stay desirable and attractive.

While these amazing looking young people may be beautiful fantasy objects, with rare exceptions, they're not good potential partners.  Psychologically, someone 21-27 (the age of most fashion models) is in a very different place than someone in their 30's, 40's or older.  In general, this developmental stage (early to late 20's) is about experimentation, having fun, getting laid, discovering who you are, what you like and beginning to spec out a future path for yourself.

As we LGBT men and women approach the end of our thirties, most of us are looking for something more meaningful than mere experimentation: we've done the bars, the clubs, the parties and we want more. We've had fun sex and been out all night more than we can count, but now we want something with depth and meaning. We want to connect with another person and see if we can create a good life together. From my work as a psychotherapist, this is what most people in their thirties and forties are after: a good healthy relationship where each person helps the other to become the man or women he/she wants to be. This is wonderful, productive but hard work.  It takes real commitment and maturity, and most young people just aren't there developmentally, emotionally or spiritually.

For some folks, being with a much younger lover is about control. It is a reaction to an earlier time in their life when they felt out of control (and probably were). These men and women enjoy playing the "older, wiser" lover who may want to help or even mentor a younger person. But are there strings attached? You betcha! Usually the strings are about being in control of the relationship and not threatened or challenged by the younger partner. Someone your own age may scare the shit out of you, because they're playing the game at your level (or above). Picking much younger partners is one way to avoid acting your age. It lets you avoid having a partner who challenges you to be the mature man or woman you can be, will call you on your shit and kick your ass when it needs kicked.

Some of my clients say that they like the youthful bodies of young people: smooth, sleek, and slim with perfect skin. Well, honestly, who wouldn't like to look like that? But few of us have ever possessed the look of youthful perfection. And if we did, we couldn't hold onto it, no matter how much plastic surgery or personal training we bought. Many young people are beautiful, you can get lots of agreement for that. But what about the beauty of 30-, 40-, 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men and women? And let's be real about the ageism in our community. It's used to sell sexy underwear, skin supplies, magazines, porn...and it can destroy our self-esteem.

If you find that it's impossible to be attracted to someone around your age, it may help to talk with a therapist about this.  It may take some work to find out where your "twink" obsession comes from and how to free yourself from it. There's nothing wrong with finding young people attractive, but this kind of "obsession" can prevent you from hooking with someone hot, beautiful and more mature - someone who could potentially be a good lover/long term partner for you.

DRAMA QUEENS (and KINGS)

In a perfect world, drama belongs on stage, not in your daily life.  Don't you agree?  Think about it:  do you ever find yourself overly reactive, theatrical or emotional?  By choice?  By desperation?  Unless you have a true personality disorder (see a good psychotherapist if you have questions about this) I'm here to tell you:  you DO have control over the drama in your life.

What is your drama doing for you?  Where is it taking you?  And this isn't just for so-called "hysterical" over-the-top emotion.  It's time for that stereotype to die.  "Macho" men (and women) do drama too, only they play it out in slightly different ways, e.g., "egomaniac", "power-hungry" or "king of the mountain".  Whether it's more "Streetcar Named Desire" or Donald Trump, drama is drama, and it's not good for your mental health. 

There is nothing wrong with living large if that's truly who you are.  When I lived in Paris, I noticed that Parisian women often wore large, attention-getting jewelry...and did so quietly and elegantly.  They walked softly and carried a big bracelet.  Being real doesn't mean being mousy and boring, it does mean being true to yourself...and when you're true to yourself, the drama quotient in your life inevitably goes down.  Why?  Drama is a cry for help:  Help!  No one loves me!  Help!  No one cares!  Help!  No one thinks I'm hot!  Someone pay attention to me, please!

If you're a fabulous drag queen performing at Lips, then drama and hyperbole are to be expected.  If you're a "regular" LGBT person living your life and feeling unloved, unappreciated or disconnected, then perhaps you've lost sight of who you are and are focusing too much on your "image".  I wish that a buff body, great hair and beautiful clothes would bring happiness.  If that was so, we could all be happy all the time, once we found the right trainer, haircutter and wardrobe.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work this way. 

Drama is not the voice of your best friend, it is the voice of your deepest fears...the ones that plagued you as a child but no longer need to dominate your adulthood.  Most of us, as we enter our late 20's or early 30's, start to leave drama behind.  The insecurity that gives birth to drama thankfully diminishes as we age.  We gain a sense of who we really are, as opposed to who we have been told we should be.  Finding out who we really are is no small task; it goes on our whole lives.  Many people in their 70's and 80's are still discovering new and surprising aspects of themselves...and feel more alive than they ever did in their 20's.  No one tells us much about this, but if you hang out with LGBT elders, you'll see that we don't all become cynical and bitter.  Many of us become happier and more playful!  If this were broadcast on CNN - instead of some celebrity's latest dilemna - we'd all have a helluva lot less fear of aging and I'd hear fewer clients tell me, "I don't want to get old; no one's going to want me".   This kind of neurotic self-talk encourages drama...and lots of it.

There's an ad out for a moisturizer whose copy reads, "I'm 40, but I look 10 years' younger."  This is the kind of fear that makes us afraid to be ourselves and pushes us toward the drama of panic and insecurity.  Is it really a surprise that so many LGBT people today have panic attacks?  Never before has the pressure been so intense for us to try to become someone we're not...someone who looks younger, seems happier, has more money than we really do.  Ugh.

The antidote:  look beneath your drama and see what you're avoiding.  Usually, it's a fear of feeling small, unimportant or ignored.  Really confident people have less drama; they simply don't need it.  They have the strength and power INSIDE themselves.  They don't need to proclaim it on the outside.  By all means, protest injustice and put your time and energy into causes and activities that are meaningful to you.  But if you find you like to be the center of attention - whether you are or not - maybe you're a bit too dramatic. 

The antidote to:  "No one loves me!  No one cares!  No one thinks I'm hot!" isn't panic, anxiety or drama.  The way to feel loved, connected and attractive is to find it inside yourself.  Drama doesn't like a quiet self-confidence.  It hates a genuine sense of humility and gratitude.  Focus your energy on developing these qualities and watch your confidence grow and your drama fade away.  And don't be surprised how easily it may happen:  you simply won't need it anymore.

THAT ELUSIVE PEACE OF MIND

We're all clear on what we're supposed to do in order to be happy.  Get the right job. Check.  The right partner.  Check.  The right house.  Check.  The right life with all the proper accoutrements.  Check.  So how come so many of us get all this stuff (or come close enough) and still can't relax and enjoy our life?

What many of us are missing is peace of mind.  Unfortunately (or fortunately) this is not something you can buy in the designer department at Neiman-Marcus or build from carefully chosen lumber from Home Depot.  Peace of mind means that your mind is your friend:  it doesn't continually try and mess with you, bring you down and tell you that you're a worthless piece of shit.  Peace of mind means we like ourselves and we like other people; we feel safe in the world and trust ourselves.  A peaceful mind is full of thoughts that create good emotions for us.

No one I've ever met lives in such a place all the time, but we can all live here more-and-more. This column explores some ways to do so.

Religion:  There are more LGBT-friendly religions around to choose from than ever-before.  Religion offers you a structure in which to pursue your inner peace.  It also offers a community of fellow seekers.  This is no small thing: to be part of a community seeking inner peace can be powerful.  For some of us, this kind of structure may be a good fit, for others, it's too constricting.  If you're looking for a community to support you and with whom you can share the highs and lows of a journey towards peace, a church, mosque, temple or religious community may be helpful.

Meditation:  Meditation has often been portrayed as some big mysterious thing.  The truth is, meditating is about being quiet and listening to yourself.  Period.  Your thoughts can drive you crazy - have you noticed?  Meditation is simple:  the hard part is just slowing down enough to do it.  There are lots of different ways to meditate and there are several LGBT-friendly meditation groups here in San Diego County you can check out.  The real benefit of meditation - whatever type you try - is that it helps you slow down and see what you're thinking and what's going on with you internally.  This greatly increases your access to feeling peaceful and contented more of the time.

Cognitive therapy and Affirmations:  In some ways, cognitive therapy and doing affirmations are similar:  both help you experience more peace of mind by replacing disturbing thoughts with neutral or positive ones.  A simple cognitive technique is "thought replacement":  you notice your thoughts, stop thinking the destructive ones and replace them with neutral or positive ones.  Saying affirmations is similar:  you repeat positive thoughts so they gradually replace your old, habitual negative thoughts.  Here are some affirmations you can use in your search for more peace of mind.   

To calm yourself down:

May I be quiet.

May I be relaxed.

May I be still.

May I be calm.

When you're going through a rough time:

May I be free of sorrow.

May I be free of pain.

May I be kind to myself.

May I be patient with myself

When you wake up in the morning, lay in bed and repeat these four thoughts every morning for a month (it only takes a minute or so):

May I be safe and protected from harm.

May I be healthy and strong.

May I be happy and content.

May I live with ease.

Cognitive thought replacement and affirmations are most effective when you do them consistently over time.  You may not feel immediately peaceful today, but if you affirm "may I be peaceful" for a week or two, you're likely to experience feeling more peaceful each time you say it.

What is a spiritual path and what does it have to offer?   Most of us start on a spiritual path because we want a way out of our misery...we're tired of suffering.  We want happiness and peace of mind.  Most of my clients on a spiritual path have some sort of structure that supports their process of questioning and discovery: they may meditate, pray, go on silent retreats, etc.  One good place to start on your own path is a book like Jack Kornfield's "A Path with Heart" or Pema Chodron's "The Places That Scare You".  Yoga, chi gong, gardening, hiking in nature and even good ole' psychotherapy can be components of a spiritual path. 

Lots of us have no idea how to pursue peace of mind, but we have a helluva lot of questions about our life and purpose: this is a great place to start.  Without asking the right questions, we may foolishly believe that our happiness lies in external events or people that we cannot control.  To find peace of mind we need to do inner work: it's a journey into yourself.  You have your whole life to enjoy this journey, so relax.  It's like growing a flower:  you plant a seed, water it, care for it and allow it to unfold in its own time, or you can get out there with a knife and try to force the flower petals to open faster.  Peace of mind is the same way: we plant seeds of peace and contentment, water them with prayer, meditation and whatever nurtures us, and allow it to unfold.  And, when we do the work, it will...